I am fully bought into the theology that we refer to as TULIP. It’s what I’ve been taught growing up and as an adult I’ve accepted it as my way of life. And I’m now I’m on what feels like this eternal journey looking for the person God has selected for me to be my wedded husband.
Of course, I’m wanting someone I’m attracted to. I’m looking for someone I enjoy spending time with. I’m looking for that best friend, turned boyfriend, turned marriage material and eventually husband.
I’m wanting to feel and be in love. And as a TULIP Single, I’m also wanting someone equally yoked with me. Someone that is just as committed today to the TULIP single life (later the TULIP married life) adhering to the essential doctrines, the bible, going to church, all the good stuff. It’s gotta be someone that wants to raise our children in the faith. It can’t just be someone playing lip service.
After saying all this, I prop myself up and straighten out my dress like Mary Poppins (I so loved that movie). I’m really serious now.
Then my impatient prayer comes out in screams.
Why is this so difficult?
Why does it take so long?
I’m not getting any younger.
Shouldn’t this be something that just happens…and happens soon before that proverbial (not Proverbs the book) biological clock expires and my dream of raising children and a growing family are behind me?
Please give me guidance.
Please give me patience and wisdom and good judgement.
Just because I’m…well…older doesn’t mean I should settle.
Lead me to that special someone for me.
This is what I feel in my less than proper days when I’m brutally honest, totally frustrated, at the end of my wits and sincere with myself and God.
It’s what I want so badly. It isn’t just what my parents, and aunts, uncles, grandparents and siblings and all those ladies at church want for me. It’s what I want.
But is it that I (deep swallowing here) have to accept that it is NOT God’s will for me. Is it that He has another very special and holy plan for me? I’m not thinking of going into fulltime ministry, but maybe He is?
Is it that He has something so much better for me than finding a husband who I love and 3 girls (or maybe two girls and two boys). I’m wanting children. Could it be He doesn’t want me taking those romantic walks with the special person? (I have the hike selected where I could have secluded, romantic walks in the woods with that special guy. So far I’ve only walked them girlfriends talking about those special guys we would like to share this path with.)
Is it just that I’m not the person He wants walking down the aisle and taking sacred vows with a man that I commit to live with “until death do us part?” (Personally, I prefer, “All the days of my life…just saying.”)
When all is said and done, I’m putting one foot behind the other. I’m going to work, doing what I always do and praying. I’m looking God’s will for my life today and praying. But as you can see in my banter, I’m torn back and forth, back and forth hoping for some level of sanity inside and a prayer, a wish, a desire from something treasured.
Is it that I’m too attached? Is it that I’m not accepting of all God has given me? I don’t know, but I have faith and that is what keeps me going.
Can you relate?